"I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you there when I cry..." -- Avril Lavigne, Missing You.

One year ago, I would've sang this line, or even this whole song with no inkling on how much it meant to someone who was really missing, well, someone else they loved dearly.

The empathy I had, or the lack of it, has been fully recompensated as I embark in this new journey of trials... or experiences, so to speak.

The scorn and disbelief I felt for the people who went through what the song was going on about has returned in full force, just that this time, I'm the one facing the brunt of such emotions. A part of me, at least the old part of me, is laughing with scorn and disbelief that I, the self-processed stronger personality in relation to matters of the emotions, am feeling the acute ache that the "OTHERS" feel.

Let's call the old part of me Renny. Renny sits at the back of my mind now, laughing hard at the the new Renny, let's call her Renny*, and almost lands hard on the floor for guffawing too hard.

Renny exclaims snidely, "Oh alas Renny* my new friend, you have succumbed to the level of the OTHERS! Look at your pathetic form, you can't even stand on your own!"

Renny* gives a feeble attempt to prove Renny wrong but she collaspes back into her corner of the room in my mind.

"I couldn't help it you... you,... ingot! So full of yourself and sure of your own beliefs! It's really because of you that I had to exist NOW! So shut up and pity me, for I'm very much a part of you and you me." says Renny*.

OK. whatever. This shall end the very badly acted out parody of the internal conflicts that goes up in my mind I suppose. When parts of yourself are in conflict with each other, how do we become full again?


Once again, I am grateful to have the blessings of spiritual friends who've never left me, as well as my spiritual teachers and guides. The Dharma has never left. I probably wandered away for a while and hence the split in my mind. Spiritual certainty and learning is probably what keeps Renny and Renny* a whole, its the balance. Or maybe in some sense, the moderator of the two extremes that exists in everyone's minds.

So, as i embark on a journey, new and old alike, but nonetheless gaining slow momentum, Renny and Renny* can finally co-join again back to their rather,...dual relationship and do so harmoniously.

Little boy you’ve come a long way
You’ve dealt with the daggers that go straight through the heart
Little boy you’re forsaken and alone
You’ve licked the wounds and dried your tears on your own

Fallen from redemption
The world has crucified your spirit

Take him away
Take him away
Take him away from this imperfections
Take him away
Take him away
So secrets won’t engulf him

Take him away
Take him away
Take him away and it’ll be painless
Take him away
Take him away
Cuz no one’s gonna save him

Take him away

The truth might be too hard for us to bear sometimes, it might take some time getting used to. However much we might want things to go our way, to seem as whatever way we want it, it can never be so. To do so would be pitting ourselves against the rest of the world. Going against the currents, going against nature. For we are to small a force to go up against anything larger than ourselves.


Let the currents wash past you, let it take you.

But dont let it drown you.

Accept, for that would be forgiving ourselves of the torment of self-indulgence.



Dont let the currents suck you in, if you do, its hard to come out unscath.

Somewhere over the rainbow by Katherine McPhee,

to all sweet infants taking your steps, brave as they be!

Take faith, and find hope in those who believe in you.

When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams

No request is to extreme

When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do

Fate is kind

She brings to those who love

As sweet fullfillment of their secret drowns

Like a boat out of the blue

Fate steps in and see's you through

Moma when you wished upon a star

Your dreams come true

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemondrops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?

Some day I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemondrops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

And now, I present to you a massive dump of songs to appease the souls of those whose dreams/aspirations have not yet been actualised.

I swear i was very convinced for a period of time that i was so overrrrrrr the grieving period of not being able to do what i really wanted to do after all these years of studying things i didn't exactly LOVE. I thought the wounds were almost, healed, or better, gone.

Well, to the delightful reader of mine, you can laugh at my deluded mind now. It is concluded, after the bouts of events that happened recently, I HAVE NOT YET FINISHED MY GRIEVING.

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I am extremly happy that mr.reallysuperdupertalented got into berklee. goodness. Words cannot even START to describe the happiness and relief i felt for this friend I barely know for a year. Gosh, he'll be growing so much in berklee next year! (: Achieving the goals he would have as a musician, absorbing everything he could probably absorb in the years in the musical world.

And then I look at my feeble attempts months back to persuade those around me to let me TRY, even. Strong resistance i agree, but i believe if i did want it badly, it would've been possible. Now, i blame my weak determination for not pushing a tad harder, just a bit more. Maybe it would've worked.

So many maybe's, so many if's... and there can be so many regrets.

OK. done with my self-indulgent post. I'm done with wallowing in all this self-pitying. I'm done with the shit. now to move on.

Will think of something. Will do something.

I can only hope that my strength can see me through future stronger resistance when time passes. I can feel it in my bones.

I like somewhere over the rainbow. Its sadly... happy? Makes one feel like a small child. Makes one feel like, its possible, as far as dreams might be...

~~~

"...And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true..."

I think thats something all of us should tell ourselves and each other everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

For we humans, are forgetful. The hope we once had in ourselves, burning strongly within the depths of our hearts might unknowingly be weaning by the cold winds of reality that beat into our strongfolds time and again. The relentless gloating, or "lack of faith" coming from people you hold close to your heart might have tore down, shred after shred, of passion that one might have built for ages.

THEY, will never realise how big an effect their words/ actions might have on one's belief in themselves.

They won't realise as well that the part of us that carries these dreams, is akin to a little infant. For all infants are pure at heart, intentions coming straight from one's inclination. But along with this pure raw passion comes the fact that infants are also taking strides of a just-born. Unsure, wavering steps they take step by step.

They need some confidence as well, from the outside.

They do, they really do.

So if you are taking the baby steps, oh lil infant, and are unsure now of the steps you are taking, as no one has seen your brave steps forward to walk, do not fear.

For now, remember that many others are taking their unsure steps to pursueing their dreams. And should others shaken your resolution, place you in self-doubt, remember you are not alone.

Should you not be able to find this confidence from people you hold close to your heart, listen for the steps that the rest of the sweet children take.

Find faith in their hope.

Find comfort in their footsteps, that you're not alone.

Find the torch to set your passion ablaze once again.

For you know, deep down that. the tears you've wept when you took your steps, the joy you feel with each step you take, the dreams that you've dreamt, in fact, are somewhere over the rainbow.

what a tear jerker, connie talbot. a 6 year old girl with the immense power to move millions of listeners with her voice. while i was trying to clear myself of my emotional mess, i was suddenly struck with the answer to why she touched my heart.

Her innocence.

RAW, innocent and the purest of all emotions were just easily poured into the song. where grown-up singers in majority will have to dig deep into the emotional baggages we've carried to emote a song; connie did it, easily, no false fronts. she gave the song a piece of herself. In most performances, i would feel that the song carries OUR emotions when we sing it. I think connie did it the other way round without knowing it, and she did it fantastically. Her pureness of heart, that exists in a the heart of a child, carried the song all across the world, until now, the youtube hits have been growing! its crazy, how so many of us are seeking for what this child has, that we've lost over time as we grew up.

For sure, connie's rendition didn't have the embellishments that kathering mcphee or whoever had. But her voice just finds a deeper place in your heart don't you think? No pretenses, just straight from her heart, and right into ours (:

If there's something we all should be looking for, i think it would be to always carry within everyone of us, the purity of a child's heart.

May connie talbot always keep this special quality in her through the years. And even if she should outgrow this innocence, may she always remember the innocence she had when she sang this song.

:D

Its easier to breathe when things are kept simple, crystal clear.

Its easier to see when doubts and questions are at best, not even borne.

Its easier to get by when any relationship is kept on a clean slate.

Sometimes not diving too deep into anything keeps everything pretty. On one hand, there is a certain depth of silent understanding between two friends, and on the other, there is a respectable distance between them to not breathe the same air all the time.

So there's still love, but not too much to suffocate all of us.

Too much of anything is not good ehs?

We're all too complicated to obtain accurate explanations of our actions, speech and thoughts.

We might attempt to read someone as clearly as possible, but alas, it will never be possible. Understanding a soul is almost the same as reading a book ain't it? Everytime the same book is read, the pages feel different, the lines look different and our insights are always different. Yes, the title still reads the same title, the book still holds the same stipulated content, but our perceptions will always differ each time it is read. We might even forget what the book used to hold until we flip the earlier pages to relive the contents once again.

There might be times when the part of the book we're reading bores us or irritates us, but that's where the intelligent reader would flip back to the better pages to remind himself of what the book holds. One might even be quick to flip past these pages and just carry on with the story, leaving no memory or regret that these 'bad' pages should even be read or given attention on.

We're humans, we all forget, as much as we might remember the past, the perception/memory of it changes over time.

So if it changes or gets forgotton, less time should be spent on remembering.

Just let go, yes (:

Life. we ask questions about that all the time ehs?

When life's a stage, we're all the puppets in this game. who is it to be called the mastermind?

No one's to blame for all the masked up acting.

Life's a game.

Dont hate the player, hate the game.

Startling revelations, but my reaction to what has happened shocks me even more.

Drawing from past experiences, i SHOULD wince and shy away, afraid.

But i haven't. it's been 2 days,... and what can I say? I even...

Oh dear, I'm quite a noob, am I?


Buddha Bless! haha. I'm becoming crazy.

Dear Buddha,

(:

it's getting better.
time colours our perceptions. they change (maybe for the better) as it passes. Maybe after some time I'll realise the other wonderful colours that awaits me when i awaken from my blindness.

thank you.


Renny

My days are passed now, with (almost) silent acceptance, save the occasional more emotional resistance as futile an attempt as it might be. However, the occasions are becoming frequent. I start to worry, am i going back to the days of my JC life? When that thought arises and permanently resides in the depths of my mind, that hauls my emotions yet again.

Yes, i have agreed with the ones i hold close to my heart. I shouldn't take all things i've been blessed with for granted. I have agreed that my dreams do not die when the road i've been looking to travel has been blocked.

Ah, inertia. We all will need time to steer away from our intended choice of routes in life, do we?

Maybe that explains my shaken optimism, the one that everyone out there thinks what i am.
Maybe thats why the emotions are bursting from the brim, tipping each time i steer away further from my original route.
Maybe,... maybe. Maybe i should stop. breathe. wipe away the excess emotions off my face. How to?


He said the time has not yet ripened. My Kharma has not actualised yet. Yes, a definite truth, judging by the status quo. Who to blame? Who to tell? Who to ask for help?

3 years from now, will i be the same me?

___

The truth lies within me. I know i have geared away from you. I drown in regret, and yet i feel my lack of motivation. I miss my times when i knew, that you would be there, forever. I miss the times when i knew, that you would never see me differently for what i did. I miss the times when i knew, you were my best friend.

As i spend more time exploring the outside world, i have almost forgot what kept me grounded in the past. I have allowed myself to be swept away by winds of change, but never to stop and take my stand firmly. I must remember.

The knife i grasped now with my hands will be dropped. My hypocrisy will end here. The double-edged sword should not be picked up again.

___

Covered faces, painted hearts
The game we play, we’re all masked

Crafted words and blatant lies
The game we play can’t have no alibi

Faces wasted, light’s been covered

Masks cover our true colours


Welcome to the masquerade

Colours cover our true face

Welcome to the masquerade

No one’s real, no one’s real


Running through their tainted visions

Drowning in their misconceptions

Can’t seem to find my reflection

Then i realize, i wear one too...

__ copyright of renny :D



i will be better.

__

May the prayers I make from now on be dedicated to the lost, may they recover their dreams and hopes. May the path of realisation be clear of obstacles.

i swear its the rain thats making me feel this way.

i think FIR's latest song called 眷戀 is really nice! they really know how to use instruments to create the "i think i'm moving on but i'm actually i'm not" atmosphere. haha.

i figured i'm actually quite free, considering the fact that i can actually blog almost every other day. or maybe its just cuz a certain good-willed individual, (: , encouraged me to write my thoughts on the net for all to view.

actually its somewhat a new, discomforting feeling for me to air my deep, dark thoughts of my everyday life into a public domain like this. regardless of how much one might write on a blog, i swear its not complete.

ARGH. we're all superficial beings craving for attention! oh Buddha bless! AHHA. damn i'm goin' nuts.



its all turning dark
ugliness envelopes the heart
nothing's getting btter
as i sink into painful slumbers

nights consumed with fears
as i blanket myself with tears
how to get stronger
if all i know is to disappear

save me from my crimson decoration
carve out all my failures
could you heal my ugly crimson pervasion
make me see colours again

paint over my crimson walls of perfection
tear away my imperfections
could you take me away from my crimson blindness
make me see colours again



you, never realised... did you?
of course not.
they're going down with me.

A whirlwind of changes have swept me off my feet. as i desperately attempt (yet unsuccessfully) to seek a precarious balance, i am faced with the simmering disappointment from them. Never did i ask for your understanding, nor your forgiveness. I do not need your sad misunderstood gazes you send towards me like i'm a lost case. I tolerate your assumed misconceptions about me, but alas i doubt it'll last long.

keep misunderstanding me, you can sooo play with my edgy patience.

all your accusations that i've changed, LIKE YOU HAVEN'T! i'm just more aware now than in the past, but i haven't stopped __________ haven't i?

Have i compromised with my morales?
Have i embraced the lewd, dirty influences that you claim the OTHERS have?
Have i made you feel disgraced?
Have i steered away from my practise?



You deserve my pity.

i keep a calm facade as i glance over the Teachers siting next to me.
i am awed with their knowledge.
a deep respect for them has found its way into me.

"Make virtuous friends."
looking back at what Teacher Biaoyong said, i daresay i now do understand what he has said. This will be the people who will be WITH me along my path of practice.

I feel a strange new responsibility when i look at the children of J6C. playful, but attentive in their own naughty ways. i see potentials!

i am ignorant. VERY. i am eager to learn more about Buddhism. The thirst is unquenched. the sundays in the temple has been a spiritual balance in my life that has become indispensable. amidst the busy intoxicating life in jc, sundays in PKS is a return to the deeper purpose of life.

When you tend to forget about the deeper purposes in life as you travel further and further into the material world and out of yourself, it gets harder to pull yourself back. Self- righteous or justified people live nonchantly without the urge to look deeper into life. They hold onto the believe of permanent ends to life after death. is it even possible so?

i yawn. the joys of knowing something new is more than difficult to put it down in words.

bliss. is it?

thats a short summary to what i experience every fateful sunday ain't it?

they told him to follow his dreams.

they didnt tell me that last year.

why?

why?

why?

He wants to be a doctor. so he's allowed to follow his dreams.

and when i speak of my aspirations, they shut it away.

LOW CLASS SCUM. they would say.
"You're smart enough to get a better job than that!" come their indignant replies.

i sense no regret.
i feel their expectations.
i lose their understanding.
i see my dreams staying as that afterall.

i detest your discrimination.

i never wanted to go against your wishes. it just so happened this way!
i never wanted to make you angry. i just had to love something you didnt want me to!
i never wanted to show you my anger, my regrets and my emotions.
it just slipped. it shouldn't have.

i held on to a fragile hope that perhaps, you could understand my passion. perhaps you could give me acceptance. i should have known it all the while.

i'm sorry.

i promise i will keep my emotions in check from now onwards.
i will not let it slip in front of you anymore.


never.

shattered.

i figured out the piano part to jay chou's 枫.

i can't figure out what to write in my history assignment.

i figured what made me take physics after a subtle reminder from mr tay.

i can't figure out why i'm staring at the computer trying to figure out what to put into my history work.

i figured out that i'm going to start working hard for physics to remind myself why i took physics in the beginning.

i can't figure out why i'm staring helplessly at the blasted handphone for a reply.

i figured out that i'm hoping for a hopeless hope that you figured out eventually.

i can't figure out why i've adopted such a defensive stance everytime we talk about THAT.

i figured out you cant really blame me for being careful of not falling.

i can't figure out why i'm have an internal strife within myself.



i figured that ... once you're out, you'll figure THAT out for me.



until then dear, i will continue figuring out what was THAT all about.

the thrilling prospect of getting a boost in my own disposable (used to be miserable income) income and consumption as a result is so enticing that i can pee my pants.

i wanna jump into sunday NOW!

ok. maybe the peeing part should be deleted.

siyuan got 2nd runner up for nj superstar! but, DOH, he could've done SO much better. we all thought so. we screamed our heads off in support for him, we KNEW the song was gonna be so great it'd sweep anyone off their feet. BUT, the mike for the piano just had to NOT work then. who pays the media club peeps?

oh. they dont.

apparently the blasted switch wasn't turned on by the media person in charge of making the sounds of the piano sound remotely audible to the audience. it was a waste! people in front all said how well bekah played! of course she does! and the rest missed out!

and we know how accompaniments lead the fluctuations of the music. so when the climax was supposed to be there, no one (besides the people who heard it) knew it was the CLIMAX.

oh yes. how pissed we all were. if it wasn't the CNY festive mood that made us high, i'd bet we'd have killed anyone in our way. but the girl cant shoulder the blame all by herself. human to err. just wrong time to ERR. but its ok! apart from the fact that siyuan was crestfallen and upset and disappointed when we got to talk to him, and that bekah was fuming mad for letting siyuan down, everything's real peachy.

oh god. how bitchy that sounded.

gotta put a new agenda in my diary.

no 156920684 item to complete: as and when i feel nice enough to feel guilty about what i said, remember to update my blog and say how guilty i am for sprouting angry violent monologues.

--
but as a history student, i suddenly realise that there is a need to be fair.
so i shall conclude after a whole fury- packed entry, the media club people are still good in their jobs. cuz i'm the next best techno idiot after bekah. AND i wouldnt wanna imagine myself as the ava member under the wrath of 15 ++++++ fuming SO2 darlings. ((:

so if i cant do the job, its not my place to diss you.
--

as i venture into yet another new year, i sit up and start to place my resolutions into place. then again, do i actually hold enough of resolution to be resolute about my resolutions? or were they merely there to exist for a couple of determined days, before finally making a quiet and forgottened exit later in the year?

who doesnt want their resolutions to last?

but i suppose the sacred meaning of resolutions have been lost over the years, probably smeared with the CNY festive spirit of uttering happy rubbish on impulse. i mean, you DO tend to utter the impossibles when you're high, right. then you quieten down and think about the resolutions you've declared boldly in front of friends and families, you swear it wasnt you that was talking. it must've been the coke.

maybe resolutions should be returned to a time when they were regarded with sincerity. only given and blessed to people who really seek a change in their lives. maybe resolutions should be made quietly, minus the loud ruckus about "not falling in love anymore this year" crap.

its hard to pen my thoughts when so much is crammed in. you dont know how to say it to make it sound less desperate or self-indulgent. finding the right words to say, but not knowing how to make them sound right.

how do you convey a message without one knowing that you're conveying one?

OH GOD. the battle of my morales. and all thats left of it!

please come back soon. please know what i'm thinking. please know its killing me. please know i've been thinking. please quickly catch on what i'm trying to say. please make CNY come faster. please make the reunion a possibility. please answer my questions. please un- confuse me.

urgh. i'm drunk.

i am disappointed. TERRIBLY.
i look at the 3/4 empty sketchbook and i feel i've been keeping empty promises to no one but me. did i not hope and fantasize (during promos) that it'll be filled once i have the time?

oh time. how ironic! when you get bitter about how little of it you have, you make so much out of it. and when you're drowned into the depths of it, you cant seem to get anything proper done!

why the backstage crew job and the guides camp was definitely smashing.

enriching, short time, but packed with energy and drive. now when time seems to be infinite, i am definitely doing nothing at all. not nothing i suppose, i'm slacking.

thats not good because i'm flying off again in a few days time and i've just merely graized the first letters of my homework. i seem to be taking sardonic pleasure in knowing what trouble i'll get into but not exactly trying to change my oh-so-happy fate.

but the isolation is definitely addictive.

taking my (soon to be limited) time in basking in my solitude.

whoots.

i read about her history
her tears and falls.

i never knew and probably wouldnt have known from her calm mask she donned on day after day, about her persisting darkening daylights.

two she's from two worlds but playwriting their life in the same elaborate fashion.
was it merely a hideaway or was it a disillusion?
its not only them... is it?

how the masks of emotions have overcome all, we cant even tell which time its real.
have we become inept of displaying the truth or has the world chilled our depths of emotions?
do we question our tears when they flow, what makes them fall?
do we question our smiles when they appear, what commands them to show?
maybe it was just another performance, another act to be completed.
demands for perfection, monotony and assured security.

when will the curtains close?

i wrote a letter to her
i asked her what was wrong
about me

waiting for a hopeless reply
maybe she'd help
in some way

would she turn away
with scorn
would she laugh it off
and say i was thinking too much

or am i just

wrong.