i keep a calm facade as i glance over the Teachers siting next to me.
i am awed with their knowledge.
a deep respect for them has found its way into me.

"Make virtuous friends."
looking back at what Teacher Biaoyong said, i daresay i now do understand what he has said. This will be the people who will be WITH me along my path of practice.

I feel a strange new responsibility when i look at the children of J6C. playful, but attentive in their own naughty ways. i see potentials!

i am ignorant. VERY. i am eager to learn more about Buddhism. The thirst is unquenched. the sundays in the temple has been a spiritual balance in my life that has become indispensable. amidst the busy intoxicating life in jc, sundays in PKS is a return to the deeper purpose of life.

When you tend to forget about the deeper purposes in life as you travel further and further into the material world and out of yourself, it gets harder to pull yourself back. Self- righteous or justified people live nonchantly without the urge to look deeper into life. They hold onto the believe of permanent ends to life after death. is it even possible so?

i yawn. the joys of knowing something new is more than difficult to put it down in words.

bliss. is it?

thats a short summary to what i experience every fateful sunday ain't it?

they told him to follow his dreams.

they didnt tell me that last year.

why?

why?

why?

He wants to be a doctor. so he's allowed to follow his dreams.

and when i speak of my aspirations, they shut it away.

LOW CLASS SCUM. they would say.
"You're smart enough to get a better job than that!" come their indignant replies.

i sense no regret.
i feel their expectations.
i lose their understanding.
i see my dreams staying as that afterall.

i detest your discrimination.

i never wanted to go against your wishes. it just so happened this way!
i never wanted to make you angry. i just had to love something you didnt want me to!
i never wanted to show you my anger, my regrets and my emotions.
it just slipped. it shouldn't have.

i held on to a fragile hope that perhaps, you could understand my passion. perhaps you could give me acceptance. i should have known it all the while.

i'm sorry.

i promise i will keep my emotions in check from now onwards.
i will not let it slip in front of you anymore.


never.

shattered.

i figured out the piano part to jay chou's 枫.

i can't figure out what to write in my history assignment.

i figured what made me take physics after a subtle reminder from mr tay.

i can't figure out why i'm staring at the computer trying to figure out what to put into my history work.

i figured out that i'm going to start working hard for physics to remind myself why i took physics in the beginning.

i can't figure out why i'm staring helplessly at the blasted handphone for a reply.

i figured out that i'm hoping for a hopeless hope that you figured out eventually.

i can't figure out why i've adopted such a defensive stance everytime we talk about THAT.

i figured out you cant really blame me for being careful of not falling.

i can't figure out why i'm have an internal strife within myself.



i figured that ... once you're out, you'll figure THAT out for me.



until then dear, i will continue figuring out what was THAT all about.