i swear its the rain thats making me feel this way.

i think FIR's latest song called 眷戀 is really nice! they really know how to use instruments to create the "i think i'm moving on but i'm actually i'm not" atmosphere. haha.

i figured i'm actually quite free, considering the fact that i can actually blog almost every other day. or maybe its just cuz a certain good-willed individual, (: , encouraged me to write my thoughts on the net for all to view.

actually its somewhat a new, discomforting feeling for me to air my deep, dark thoughts of my everyday life into a public domain like this. regardless of how much one might write on a blog, i swear its not complete.

ARGH. we're all superficial beings craving for attention! oh Buddha bless! AHHA. damn i'm goin' nuts.



its all turning dark
ugliness envelopes the heart
nothing's getting btter
as i sink into painful slumbers

nights consumed with fears
as i blanket myself with tears
how to get stronger
if all i know is to disappear

save me from my crimson decoration
carve out all my failures
could you heal my ugly crimson pervasion
make me see colours again

paint over my crimson walls of perfection
tear away my imperfections
could you take me away from my crimson blindness
make me see colours again



you, never realised... did you?
of course not.
they're going down with me.

A whirlwind of changes have swept me off my feet. as i desperately attempt (yet unsuccessfully) to seek a precarious balance, i am faced with the simmering disappointment from them. Never did i ask for your understanding, nor your forgiveness. I do not need your sad misunderstood gazes you send towards me like i'm a lost case. I tolerate your assumed misconceptions about me, but alas i doubt it'll last long.

keep misunderstanding me, you can sooo play with my edgy patience.

all your accusations that i've changed, LIKE YOU HAVEN'T! i'm just more aware now than in the past, but i haven't stopped __________ haven't i?

Have i compromised with my morales?
Have i embraced the lewd, dirty influences that you claim the OTHERS have?
Have i made you feel disgraced?
Have i steered away from my practise?



You deserve my pity.

i keep a calm facade as i glance over the Teachers siting next to me.
i am awed with their knowledge.
a deep respect for them has found its way into me.

"Make virtuous friends."
looking back at what Teacher Biaoyong said, i daresay i now do understand what he has said. This will be the people who will be WITH me along my path of practice.

I feel a strange new responsibility when i look at the children of J6C. playful, but attentive in their own naughty ways. i see potentials!

i am ignorant. VERY. i am eager to learn more about Buddhism. The thirst is unquenched. the sundays in the temple has been a spiritual balance in my life that has become indispensable. amidst the busy intoxicating life in jc, sundays in PKS is a return to the deeper purpose of life.

When you tend to forget about the deeper purposes in life as you travel further and further into the material world and out of yourself, it gets harder to pull yourself back. Self- righteous or justified people live nonchantly without the urge to look deeper into life. They hold onto the believe of permanent ends to life after death. is it even possible so?

i yawn. the joys of knowing something new is more than difficult to put it down in words.

bliss. is it?

thats a short summary to what i experience every fateful sunday ain't it?

they told him to follow his dreams.

they didnt tell me that last year.

why?

why?

why?

He wants to be a doctor. so he's allowed to follow his dreams.

and when i speak of my aspirations, they shut it away.

LOW CLASS SCUM. they would say.
"You're smart enough to get a better job than that!" come their indignant replies.

i sense no regret.
i feel their expectations.
i lose their understanding.
i see my dreams staying as that afterall.

i detest your discrimination.

i never wanted to go against your wishes. it just so happened this way!
i never wanted to make you angry. i just had to love something you didnt want me to!
i never wanted to show you my anger, my regrets and my emotions.
it just slipped. it shouldn't have.

i held on to a fragile hope that perhaps, you could understand my passion. perhaps you could give me acceptance. i should have known it all the while.

i'm sorry.

i promise i will keep my emotions in check from now onwards.
i will not let it slip in front of you anymore.


never.

shattered.

i figured out the piano part to jay chou's 枫.

i can't figure out what to write in my history assignment.

i figured what made me take physics after a subtle reminder from mr tay.

i can't figure out why i'm staring at the computer trying to figure out what to put into my history work.

i figured out that i'm going to start working hard for physics to remind myself why i took physics in the beginning.

i can't figure out why i'm staring helplessly at the blasted handphone for a reply.

i figured out that i'm hoping for a hopeless hope that you figured out eventually.

i can't figure out why i've adopted such a defensive stance everytime we talk about THAT.

i figured out you cant really blame me for being careful of not falling.

i can't figure out why i'm have an internal strife within myself.



i figured that ... once you're out, you'll figure THAT out for me.



until then dear, i will continue figuring out what was THAT all about.

the thrilling prospect of getting a boost in my own disposable (used to be miserable income) income and consumption as a result is so enticing that i can pee my pants.

i wanna jump into sunday NOW!

ok. maybe the peeing part should be deleted.

siyuan got 2nd runner up for nj superstar! but, DOH, he could've done SO much better. we all thought so. we screamed our heads off in support for him, we KNEW the song was gonna be so great it'd sweep anyone off their feet. BUT, the mike for the piano just had to NOT work then. who pays the media club peeps?

oh. they dont.

apparently the blasted switch wasn't turned on by the media person in charge of making the sounds of the piano sound remotely audible to the audience. it was a waste! people in front all said how well bekah played! of course she does! and the rest missed out!

and we know how accompaniments lead the fluctuations of the music. so when the climax was supposed to be there, no one (besides the people who heard it) knew it was the CLIMAX.

oh yes. how pissed we all were. if it wasn't the CNY festive mood that made us high, i'd bet we'd have killed anyone in our way. but the girl cant shoulder the blame all by herself. human to err. just wrong time to ERR. but its ok! apart from the fact that siyuan was crestfallen and upset and disappointed when we got to talk to him, and that bekah was fuming mad for letting siyuan down, everything's real peachy.

oh god. how bitchy that sounded.

gotta put a new agenda in my diary.

no 156920684 item to complete: as and when i feel nice enough to feel guilty about what i said, remember to update my blog and say how guilty i am for sprouting angry violent monologues.

--
but as a history student, i suddenly realise that there is a need to be fair.
so i shall conclude after a whole fury- packed entry, the media club people are still good in their jobs. cuz i'm the next best techno idiot after bekah. AND i wouldnt wanna imagine myself as the ava member under the wrath of 15 ++++++ fuming SO2 darlings. ((:

so if i cant do the job, its not my place to diss you.
--

as i venture into yet another new year, i sit up and start to place my resolutions into place. then again, do i actually hold enough of resolution to be resolute about my resolutions? or were they merely there to exist for a couple of determined days, before finally making a quiet and forgottened exit later in the year?

who doesnt want their resolutions to last?

but i suppose the sacred meaning of resolutions have been lost over the years, probably smeared with the CNY festive spirit of uttering happy rubbish on impulse. i mean, you DO tend to utter the impossibles when you're high, right. then you quieten down and think about the resolutions you've declared boldly in front of friends and families, you swear it wasnt you that was talking. it must've been the coke.

maybe resolutions should be returned to a time when they were regarded with sincerity. only given and blessed to people who really seek a change in their lives. maybe resolutions should be made quietly, minus the loud ruckus about "not falling in love anymore this year" crap.

its hard to pen my thoughts when so much is crammed in. you dont know how to say it to make it sound less desperate or self-indulgent. finding the right words to say, but not knowing how to make them sound right.

how do you convey a message without one knowing that you're conveying one?

OH GOD. the battle of my morales. and all thats left of it!

please come back soon. please know what i'm thinking. please know its killing me. please know i've been thinking. please quickly catch on what i'm trying to say. please make CNY come faster. please make the reunion a possibility. please answer my questions. please un- confuse me.

urgh. i'm drunk.