"I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you there when I cry..." -- Avril Lavigne, Missing You.
One year ago, I would've sang this line, or even this whole song with no inkling on how much it meant to someone who was really missing, well, someone else they loved dearly.
The empathy I had, or the lack of it, has been fully recompensated as I embark in this new journey of trials... or experiences, so to speak.
The scorn and disbelief I felt for the people who went through what the song was going on about has returned in full force, just that this time, I'm the one facing the brunt of such emotions. A part of me, at least the old part of me, is laughing with scorn and disbelief that I, the self-processed stronger personality in relation to matters of the emotions, am feeling the acute ache that the "OTHERS" feel.
Let's call the old part of me Renny. Renny sits at the back of my mind now, laughing hard at the the new Renny, let's call her Renny*, and almost lands hard on the floor for guffawing too hard.
Renny exclaims snidely, "Oh alas Renny* my new friend, you have succumbed to the level of the OTHERS! Look at your pathetic form, you can't even stand on your own!"
Renny* gives a feeble attempt to prove Renny wrong but she collaspes back into her corner of the room in my mind.
"I couldn't help it you... you,... ingot! So full of yourself and sure of your own beliefs! It's really because of you that I had to exist NOW! So shut up and pity me, for I'm very much a part of you and you me." says Renny*.
OK. whatever. This shall end the very badly acted out parody of the internal conflicts that goes up in my mind I suppose. When parts of yourself are in conflict with each other, how do we become full again?
Once again, I am grateful to have the blessings of spiritual friends who've never left me, as well as my spiritual teachers and guides. The Dharma has never left. I probably wandered away for a while and hence the split in my mind. Spiritual certainty and learning is probably what keeps Renny and Renny* a whole, its the balance. Or maybe in some sense, the moderator of the two extremes that exists in everyone's minds.
So, as i embark on a journey, new and old alike, but nonetheless gaining slow momentum, Renny and Renny* can finally co-join again back to their rather,...dual relationship and do so harmoniously.